Discipline

Discipline! Quite possibly every parent’s most hated word. Are you disciplining your children too much, or is it not enough? Is your discipline even effective at all? How do you know? There has been a video floating around the internet this week that I’m sure many of you have seen. In case you haven’t I’ve posted it below.

About the video

I’ve seen this video posted several times on Facebook and Twitter. The comments vary greatly depending on the source of the post; everything ranging from spanking and disciplinary problems, to the child is special needs, to remarks based solely on the lack of religious and family values. Not everyone believes in spanking their children or shoving medication down their throats. I get that! Let’s keep in mind that those aren’t the only options out there. For a minute, let’s assume that this boy doesn’t have any mental limitations other than being a spoiled rotten little brat. If that’s the case, then this mother has allowed the situation to escalate to a point where the kid now could desperately use some intensive therapy and behavior modification to someday become a productive member of society. Now let’s think about the possibility that there really IS an underlying problem here. Even with a child who has a mental disorder that could cause him to react like this, there is still a need for structured discipline. I’d like to clarify this term “structured discipline” because I’m sure this mother thinks that threatening to ground him for the entire summer is a form of discipline, but as an outsider you clearly understand this to be an empty threat. If your boss told you every day that you were going to get fired if you didn’t finish a specified task in a specified amount of time, it probably wouldn’t take long before you quit believing them about any threat of losing your job or any benefits that come with it. That’s essentially what she has done with her son. Another problem I see in this situation is that the threats of punishment just aren’t believable to begin with. It’s unrealistic to believe that she’s going to ground him for an entire summer over one temper tantrum, no matter how dramatic it is. Even if she really did adhere to the punishment, it’s not much of a deterrent. Once he’s grounded, what’s she going to do if he acts out again? Ground him some more. If a child is physically lashing out, then they need a physical punishment. Most often, when a child verbally lashes out, a timeout is more in order so that they can think about what they said. The last thing I would like to address on the subject is that I’ve seen a lot of parents “discipline” their children by swatting away at them while the child is flailing their arms and trying to run away. This is not an effective form of discipline either. If the strikes of their spankings are being deflected or you have to chase them down, not only do you end up looking like a crazy nutcase who beats their kids, but the kids are not truly being disciplined. When my parents would spank us, we had to bend over their lap and hold their ankle so our hands were out of the way. Forcing them into a somewhat restrained position calms them down and forces them to realize the severity of the situation and just how serious you are about it. After a spanking, I always recommend a time out to allow them to really contemplate their actions.

From my own experience

I’m not one to pretend like my kids are perfect. Anyone who has known my son for any length of time probably knows that he can throw some pretty severe tantrums. I have in fact been called into the school before to help mitigate the situation, so I will never act like I’m the perfect example of what parenting is all about. As a matter of fact, we had one of those kinds of tantrums just today. When we go to Sam’s Club I bribe my kids with a soft pretzel if they can behave themselves in the store. Today the kids were walking the line, but I thought I’d let them have one anyway as long as they could sit quietly while I waited in line. Maybe 10 minutes passed when I suddenly heard the shrieking squeal of my daughter’s voice. When I turned to look, my son was silently weeping in his seat as well. He was afraid of losing the privilege of eating a hot pretzel, so he didn’t want me to see or hear him crying. Since I was next in line, I wasn’t going to give up my spot to go over and calm them down, especially since a long line of people had formed behind me. After a few minutes of calling to them to find out what happened and only getting blank stares in return, I decided that they had lost their privilege and walked out the store. As soon as I told them to get up and go to the car, both of them opened the flood gates. I’m pretty sure the sonic pitch emanating from my youngest child’s vocal chords deafened a few unfortunate people who just happened to be sitting too closely. On our way out I told my son that if he didn’t stop crying and act like a 7 year old, he would get a spanking. He knows the rules, I will either count to 3 or I will spank him after we cross through the double doors and are out of other people’s way. I held his hands on the bar of the shopping cart and gave him 1 swat on the butt. When I let go, he swung at me. That would be strike 2. He got 3 more swats on the butt and put on timeout as soon as we got home. He silently sobbed in the back seat the whole way home, but was truly heartbroken when his friend who is only at her dad’s house 2 nights a week came over to play and he was not allowed. Then even more heartbreak when he saw the other neighbor out with her two dogs and he couldn’t go to see the dog. After he had calmed down I did allow him to see the dog for a few minutes only because he loves her dog very much and the poor old dog is being put to sleep this week. I didn’t think it would be fair to deprive him of one of the last playdates they would ever have, but I made it very clear that he was being granted a pass under extenuating circumstances. Tantrums like the one he threw at the store today are a rare case, but they DO happen and there are usually smaller disciplinary instances in the weeks leading up to these kinds of outbursts. Now that he has been thoroughly put in his place, we may go another year before he has another one (that’s how long it’s been since the last episode), but I know it will happen, it always does. I have never and would never allow him to work himself up to the point that the boy in the video was at. And it was interesting to see the looks of other people leaving the store at the same time as us. Most people didn't look at us in a judgemental way as you might think when a child is acting out of control. Mostly they looked as if they sympathized and figured that I had it under control.